The Way You Listen to Me

“The way you listen to me impacts my power to speak to you.”

—Author Unknown

Image of a man holding his hand to his ear

Image from ABC

A phrase often used in organizations with coaching cultures is “Coaching occurs in the listening.”

Perhaps no other factor makes a greater difference to the success of a coaching relationship than an open and receptive “Try It On” response to the questions and input from those supporting their efforts.

A closed mind and an “I Know” way of listening is like kryptonite to Superman. It saps the power from the parent, mentor, or coach. 

A request for coaching, before and through all stages of these special relationships, is essential to the achievement of the gold medal results both parties desire.

EXERCISE:

How can you assure the highest levels of listening and coach-ability to realize maximum power and contribution from those committed to your success?

Friday Review Listening

FRIDAY REVIEW: LISTENING

How well do you listen to yourself and others? Here are a few listening-related posts you may have missed.

 

“If we only listened with the same passion that we feel about being heard.”

 

 

 

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

 

 

 

“You can’t judge my choices without understanding my reasons.”

 

 

 

 

Talkers are no good doers

“Talkers are no good doers.”

—William Shakespeare, Richard III, Act 1, Scene 3

Image of Shakespeare with the quote

Shakespeare sure had a way with words!

I had to re-read today’s quote several times, letting it percolate for a while before I chose it for today’s post.

What was your first interpretation?

What other meanings might it have for you?

I first thought about an individual being all talk and no action. Next, I considered whether talkers, or those too busy being interesting to be interested, were bad people, arrogant, with excessive egos.

What is the message you prefer, or relate to the most?

EXERCISE:

What are your views on people who talk far more than they listen?

What would others say about your propensity to talk versus listen?

What relationship does this issue have with what actually gets done, and what you learn?

Feel free to respond to this post with your thoughts and perspectives.

The Soul’s Ears

“The soul has been given its own ears to hear things the mind does not understand.”

-Rumi, 13th Century Persian Poet

Image from changebydoing.com

Image from changebydoing.com

Imagine you are able to visit a planet on the other side of the Milky Way, or perhaps in an entirely different galaxy, that has intelligent life.

Upon landing on this planet—which contains all that you need to support life—you meet an unusual human-like creature with three sets of ears.

The first set is like ours, which conveys messages to our brains.

The second set is connected to the being’s heart, and the third to their gut.

Considered the expanded nature of this creature’s ability to perceive their worlds deeply, and more completely.

What extraordinary messages would they receive, and what capacities would this ability provide?

EXERCISE:

How can you more fully access your soul by tapping into the quiet or silent messages that can only be perceived through your heart and gut?

The Great Art

“Silence is one of the great arts of conversation.”

-Hanna More, 19th Century British Philanthropist

Image from Flickr by Shawn Harquail

Image from Flickr by Shawn Harquail

Many people think of silence as simply the lack of saying something. It is a void, an empty space where nothing is happening.

Today’s quote asks us to instead consider silence as a seed, invisibly planted in the ground. Active listening and sincere interest are resources that help conversation and ideas grow and eventually blossom.

EXERCISE:

How can you use the art of silence to enhance and grow your most important personal and professional relationships?

“Speak in such a way that others…”

“Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you. Listen in such a way that others love to speak to you.”

—Author Unknown

Image from beyond.com

Image from beyond.com

One thing I know for sure is that quality relationships result when our focus is on others rather than ourselves.

Being interested rather than interesting will channel your listening and speaking skills, to help you successfully navigate your professional and personal worlds.

EXERCISE:

Choose your words today, so that they resonate at the frequency others hear and appreciate.  How can you tune into the messages and signals of those around you, so that you fully honor and show how important they are to you?

“I remind myself every morning…”

“I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.”

—Larry King, American television and radio host

Image from Flickr by Ky Olsen

Image from Flickr by Ky Olsen

Have you ever considered why we have two ears and only one mouth? Why not one of each? Perhaps some higher power—not just Larry King—knew that listening is twice as valuable as speaking.

EXERCISE:

Practice using open-ended questions, including the all-powerful “What Else?” This follow-up & layering technique will help you speak less and learn more, at home and in your workplace.

 

“You can’t judge my choices…”

“You can’t judge my choices without understanding my reasons.”

—Author Unknown

 

Without question, judging others and being critical is one of the most common reasons people give when they talk about unsatisfying or destructive relationships.

Unfortunately, this happens daily to some degree, to most of us. A key reason for the universality of this behavior is our constant filtering. We look at the choices of others through our own perception of what is right or wrong, good or bad.

Being genuinely interested in another person’s points of view and seeking to fully understand their perspective lessens the level of judgement and creates greater relationship harmony.

EXERCISE:

Try this four-step exercise when interacting with others, to assist you in taking greater responsibility for making your relationships stronger.

  1. Be aware of your internal voice when listening to others, and notice if this voice is supportive or critical.
  2. Examine your listening. Can you mirror what the other person said and meant?
  3. Ask yourself: What is good and valuable in what they are saying?
  4. Limit your interruptions to those questions that will give you greater clarity and understanding.

“Most people do not listen with…”

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

—Stephen Covey, American educator, author, businessman, and keynote speaker

Photo from Flickr by  Webbstjarnan.SE

Photo from Flickr by Webbstjarnan.SE

Rate yourself on a scale from one to ten, with “one” being very poor and “ten” being outstanding, with regard to your mastery of Stephen Covey’s 5th Habit of Highly Effective People:

First Seek to Understand, then to be Understood

Consider reducing your score by one point if you:

  • Pretend to listen
  • Selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation
  • Miss the meaning of what the person is saying
  • Listen with the intent to reply
  • Filter what is being said through your own life experiences and frame of reference
  • Prematurely decide if what is being said has value, before the speaker has finished

The behaviors listed above are often called autobiographical listening.

EXERCISE:

To gain true and deep understanding of another required empathetic listening. Add points to your score if you:

  • Give the speaker your undivided attention
  • Are open-minded and nonjudgmental
  • Observe and sense the emotions behind the words being used
  • Are quiet and allow some time for the other person to fully express their view. Open-ended questions may be helpful here to make sure you gain the full depth of their viewpoint
  • Follow clarifying questions with attempts to restate what you believe they said

“One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears – by listening to them.”

“One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears – by listening to them.”

-– Dean Rusk, United States Secretary of State

Image from Flickr by Travis Isaacs

Image from Flickr by Travis Isaacs

The best salesmen in the world have a number of things in common. They are exceptional listeners. They listen more than they talk. They are far more focused on being interested versus interesting. They honor what others say and make sure that others have plenty of time to express their thoughts and opinions.

How do these qualities help salesmen (and people in general) be more persuasive? Consider the art of listening as a form of verbal judo, where the thoughts and ideas expressed by those we listen to closely are points of leverage that allow us to move them in a direction that fits with their own commitments and desires.

Exercise:

How can using your ears and becoming a masterful listener help you influence and persuade others in your professional or personal life?

Consider picking up a copy of any of the following books to enhance your mastery of this important skill:
To Sell is Human by Daniel Pink
Just Listen by Mark Goulston
Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott
Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson and others

You can also download a free copy of my workbook on Masterful Relationships
(Enter the password barrydemp (all lower case))

Lastly, you can read past Quotable Coach posts on relationships and listening.