Personal responsibility and accountability are two very important qualities of those who tend to be the most successful in a coaching relationship. People who possess these characteristics know they are the proverbial athlete on the field of their own lives, and only they can put points on the scoreboard.
I often observe, to the contrary, many people playing the victim, putting much, if not all, the blame for their lot in life on others.
President Roosevelt’s statement makes it clear: We, alone, control our thoughts and actions. Hopefully we use them to influence our world for the better.
EXERCISE:
Where would a bit more self-coaching and taking greater responsibility for your current place in life make the biggest difference in your professional or personal life?
Without question, judging others and being critical is one of the most common reasons people give when they talk about unsatisfying or destructive relationships.
Unfortunately, this happens daily to some degree, to most of us. A key reason for the universality of this behavior is our constant filtering. We look at the choices of others through our own perception of what is right or wrong, good or bad.
Being genuinely interested in another person’s points of view and seeking to fully understand their perspective lessens the level of judgement and creates greater relationship harmony.
EXERCISE:
Try this four-step exercise when interacting with others, to assist you in taking greater responsibility for making your relationships stronger.
Be aware of your internal voice when listening to others, and notice if this voice is supportive or critical.
Examine your listening. Can you mirror what the other person said and meant?
Ask yourself: What is good and valuable in what they are saying?
Limit your interruptions to those questions that will give you greater clarity and understanding.
I’m a big fan of satellite radio. In the States, we have Sirius XM. I like that it is commercial free, that I can receive the signal wherever I may be driving, and that I can select the programming that suits my taste at the moment.
Last summer, I took a road trip back east with my wife Wendy and my father Marvin. The trip is well over 600 miles and can take anywhere from 11 to 14 hours depending on traffic and rest stops. Each of us had a favorite station. Mine was Watercolors, which highlights contemporary jazz. Wendy prefers The Bridge, which plays folk rock and music of the 60s and 70s, and my dad takes many trips down memory lane listening to Seriously Sinatra.
EXERCISE:
Select your favorite CD, radio station, or satellite channel today. Listen, and allow any memories that may rise to surface. Consider doing this exercise with someone close to you to bring back some of their most cherished times.
Please feel free to reply to this post with a short list of your favorite songs, and the memories they stir up in you.
Rarely do I hear people complain that the way they spend their time is wasteful. Rather, when these individuals have little or no say or influence on their time, their complaint level rises dramatically.
What we perceive as “time well spent” is often viewed by those around us—particularly in our professional worlds—as wasteful. The same thing occurs with most of us when others are orchestrating and influencing our days.
EXERCISE:
As you begin your day, please consider putting on a pair of “Learning Lenses.” As you discover and appreciate the wide variety of teachable moments and lessons learned, examine the fulfillment and satisfaction available because of this more productive and empowering perspective.
As part of my coaching process, I conduct behavioral, achievement, cognitive, and leadership surveys, in order to set a baseline of each individual’s approach toward achievement.
An initial exercise I share with my clients is called More, Less, Start, Stop, which allows them to sort their actions moving forward into one of the four categories. It is an exercise that many find easy to apply and manage in their daily lives.
EXERCISE:
Consider today’s quote. Where would giving more attention to fewer initiatives produce the greatest benefit in your personal or professional life?
Feel free to play around with different combinations of these four words, to discover even greater value in this exercise.
I remember receiving, as a child, a brand new box of Crayola Crayons – one with 64 colors in a flip-top box with that super-special sharpening tool built into the back.
Once I began my work as a burgeoning artist, I noticed that my favorite crayons – the colors I was most drawn to – would quickly become shorter than the others. Sometimes they would break, due to my zealous artistic efforts.
Later, if I wanted to use my favorites, I had to search for the stubby remnants of years past in an old cigar box that once belonged to my grandfather, Papa Lu-Lu.
EXERCISE:
What are the metaphorical crayons you work with each day? How can your daily efforts and practices with these qualities and skills continue to help you generate a beautiful, colorful professional and personal life?
Although the smart phone is one of the most amazing devices ever invented, it does have a dark side.
Walk into any restaurant and you’ll see people out to eat as a family, yet tuning out of the experience by looking down at their phones, texting friends or scrolling through social media feeds. What does this mean in terms of the relationships and interpersonal communications that “make the world go round”?
In this YouTube video from Global Report News, we learn that those who are so deeply attached to their phone that they can’t turn it off no matter where they are or what company they are keeping, are less likely to be happy than those who can resist a ring or turn their phones completely off.
A Kent State University Study of 500 students showed that those who were avid mobile phone users suffered from higher anxiety, and their class work was inferior to those who were able and willing to switch off. The phone heightened their anxiety, and many felt obligated to keep in constant touch. I would expect the results to be similar, if not even more profound, if the study were replicated in the workforce.
What if you were to give particular attention today to how often the people around you tune out the rest of the world by focusing on their “magic box”? Great observation spots for this activity would be at the conference table, walking to and from a parking lot, during meals at restaurants or in your home, the library – even in houses of worship. What do you notice?
EXERCISE:
If you could have a meal with any fascinating person in the world – current, or historical – whom would you choose? How likely would you be to answer your phone in the midst of this meal? How would you feel if they cut you off to take a chatty, informal call? How can you become so interested and engaged that you would never think of of answering or checking your phone, without good reason, in the presence of another person?
No subjects come up more often in my work as a coach as relationships and interpersonal communication. I always encourage my clients to be sincerely interested in others, listen fully, and of course, allow others to fully express their ideas and opinions.
When the focus on others and being a “giver” is not reciprocated, when we cross oceans for those who won’t even jump a puddle for us, a one-sided, often toxic relationship ensues, leaving us feeling empty, frustrated, and many times, resentful.
EXERCISE:
Examine your personal and professional life to see if any of your relationships are one-sided. If so, consider whether it is time to start or stop crossing oceans.
The discovery process I use to determine if a prospective client and I are a good fit includes 20 criteria. Each item in the survey provides insight into the likely success of our coaching relationship. Over the years, I have placed greater importance on the attributes related to optimism and a positive attitude.
Although individuals who exhibit high degrees of skepticism and judgmental tendencies can achieve favorable results in a coaching relationship, people working with these individuals can find the relationship extra challenging and draining.
EXERCISE:
Examine relationships in your professional and personal lives that you feel are draining. What adjustments could be made to change the relationships for the better? Please take a closer look at your own attitude and propensity for complaining, and consider if working on yourself might be a good place to start.
My father Marvin, my wife Wendy, my daughter Rachel, and me.
I was showered in kindness for ten days in February, when I went to Florida to visit my dad and my wife, who cares for him during the winter months. It helps me escape the bitter cold and have some company for Valentine’s Day, and my birthday on February 16th. I’m now 58 years young! Beyond the initial happiness of seeing my wife Wendy and dad Marvin, my daughter Rachel—who lives in Pennsylvania—surprised me at the airport and let me know that she wanted to help make my visit even more special.
Wendy further surprised me with a new summer wardrobe and a gift bag holding 4 passports. Bright and early the next morning we began a 10-day cruise to Aruba, Curacao, the Panama Canal, and Costa Rica.
Thanks to my wife, we enjoyed snorkeling adventures, private beaches, on-board cooking lessons, boat tours, and even an hour-long zip line adventure with my 88-year-old father and my daughter.
Of particular note throughout our adventure were the countless gestures of kindness shown to all of us from the extraordinary staff and crew of the Holland American ship The Zunderdam.
EXERCISE
In what ways and with whom can you shower the confetti of kindness over those you care about, today and every day?
