people who make me forget to look at my phone

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Barry

“I like to hang out with people who make me forget to look at my phone.”

—Author Unknown

Although the smart phone is one of the most amazing devices ever invented, it does have a dark side.

Walk into any restaurant and you’ll see people out to eat as a family, yet tuning out of the experience by looking down at their phones, texting friends or scrolling through social media feeds. What does this mean in terms of the relationships and interpersonal communications that “make the world go round”?

In this YouTube video from Global Report News, we learn that those who are so deeply attached to their phone that they can’t turn it off no matter where they are or what company they are keeping, are less likely to be happy than those who can resist a ring or turn their phones completely off.

A Kent State University Study of 500 students showed that those who were avid mobile phone users suffered from higher anxiety, and their class work was inferior to those who were able and willing to switch off. The phone heightened their anxiety, and many felt obligated to keep in constant touch. I would expect the results to be similar, if not even more profound, if the study were replicated in the workforce.

What if you were to give particular attention today to how often the people around you tune out the rest of the world by focusing on their “magic box”? Great observation spots for this activity would be at the conference table, walking to and from a parking lot, during meals at restaurants or in your home, the library – even in houses of worship. What do you notice?

EXERCISE:

If you could have a meal with any fascinating person in the world – current, or historical – whom would you choose? How likely would you be to answer your phone in the midst of this meal? How would you feel if they cut you off to take a chatty, informal call? How can you become so interested and engaged that you would never think of of answering or checking your phone, without good reason, in the presence of another person?

“There comes a time when you have to stop..”

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Barry

“There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t even jump puddles for you.”

—Author Unknown

Photo from Flickr by Paul Jerry

No subjects come up more often in my work as a coach as relationships and interpersonal communication. I always encourage my clients to be sincerely interested in others, listen fully, and of course, allow others to fully express their ideas and opinions.

When the focus on others and being a “giver” is not reciprocated, when we cross oceans for those who won’t even jump a puddle for us, a one-sided, often toxic relationship ensues, leaving us feeling empty, frustrated, and many times, resentful.

EXERCISE:

Examine your personal and professional life to see if any of your relationships are one-sided. If so, consider whether it is time to start or stop crossing oceans.

“Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.”

Posted on February 19, 2015 by Barry

“Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.”

– Author Unknown

Photo from Flickr by Cindy Mc

Unless you live in northern Alaska, the Australian Outback, or on some secluded island, you are probably engaged in our hyper-communicative world. Examine, if you will, all the means by which you are inundated by it and drowning in it.

When I was young, people would say, “A penny for your thoughts.” Even then, the value of talk was cheap, and yet we all believe that what we have to say has value and is worth much more than a penny!

EXERCISE:

Pay particular attention today to the value of what you and others share in your interactions.

See what you and others actually desire or demand. Speaking to those matters will likely generate more golden nuggets and pearls of wisdom, which are in limited supply.

“Eating an artichoke is like…”

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Barry

“Eating an artichoke is like getting to know someone really well.”

—Willi Hastings (attributed)

Photo from Flickr by sterotyp_0815

I have never prepared or eaten an entire artichoke, only the hearts from a can or those marinated in a jar.

Hasting’s statement peaked my curiosity and I wondered, “How difficult could this be?” If you are like me, you simply go to your favorite search engine and query the universe.

I learned that there is an eleven-step process to preparing and eating an artichoke. If the process is not followed closely, you could experience considerable digestive challenges, and problems with your garbage disposal as well.

How is eating an artichoke like getting to know someone really well? If you truly wish to get to the heart of another and develop a close, quality relationship, it takes time, patience, care, and attention to detail.

EXERCISE:

Examine the relationships you hope to make or take to a new level, professionally or personally. How would a patient and somewhat methodical approach yield the lasting, substantial relationships you desire?

“Are you working to connect the dots or…”

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Barry

“Are you working to connect the dots or merely collecting more dots?”

—Seth Godin, Author

Photo from www.connectedaction.net

What is your favorite form of social media? If you go in order of popularity, the usage looks something like this:

Facebook has about 1.23 billion users
LinkedIn has about 332 million users
Twitter has about 284 million users

Please don’t respond saying my numbers are wrong, as they aren’t relevant to the point of this post.

Do you know how many friends, connections, or followers you have on each of your social sites?

Without question, the internet and social media have brought about amazing changes, making our world more connected and noisy to the point, for some, of addictive engagement.

Godin’s question asks if we are collecting friends or followers like dots, or are we truly looking to genuinely connect and contribute to other people’s lives.

EXERCISE:

Examine your skills, abilities, gifts, and talents that contribute to those on the other side of the monitor or mobile device. Consider that if you create something truly remarkable, you will likely have your very best friends and followers connecting the dots with you.

“It is far more impressive when others…”

Posted on December 16, 2014 by Barry

“It is far more impressive when others discover your qualities without your help.”

—Miss Manners (Judith Martin), American journalist, author, and etiquette authority

Photo from Amazon.com

Someone wise once told me that if you say something nice about yourself it is bragging, yet if others say the very same thing about you, it is the truth!

In my years of coaching, I have seen that there is no single critical factor more important to the building and sustaining of relationships than a genuine interest in others.

Those individuals who focus on themselves and being interesting rather than interested tend to repel people in their professional and personal lives.

EXERCISE:

How can you channel your effort and attention in the genuine service of others without calling attention to yourself, and allow others, if and when appropriate, to acknowledge and appreciate your efforts?

Also consider heightening your own focus and awareness on the remarkable qualities of others. Don’t be surprised if they reciprocate!

“You don’t live in a world all alone. Your brothers are here too.”

Posted on August 14, 2014 by Barry

“You don’t live in a world all alone. Your brothers are here too.”

– Albert Schweitzer, German theologian and philosopher

Barry-Marvin-Rachel

(Me, my dad Marvin, and my daughter Rachel.)

My family and I recently had a vacation in the Pocono Mountains in Pennsylvania. This year, some additional friends came along to make it extra special. Of particular note were some of the many things we accomplished together to truly make our time a community affair.

In additional to numerous routine tasks, such as the preparation of meals and some cleaning and organizing projects, we supported my father Marvin (who is 88 today) on a three hour, six mile canoe ride down the Delaware river, and even took him to Camelbeach Waterpark where he experienced the adventure of some pretty thrilling water slides.

Exercise:

Where are you acting alone in the world and thus not achieving your fullest potential?

Where would supporting or working with others have you achieve even more remarkable things in your professional or personal life?

“Remember, man does not live on bread alone: sometimes he needs a little buttering up.”

Posted on August 5, 2014 by Barry

“Remember, man does not live on bread alone: sometimes he needs a little buttering up.”

– John C. Maxwell, American author, speaker and pastor

Image from Flickr by ilovememphis.

In spite of the joy I find in cooking for family and friends, I really enjoy going out to dinner. Many restaurants serve bread and butter at the beginning of a meal, and in Italian restaurants, it is traditional to accompany the bread with some form of seasoned olive oil.

During our current low-carb craze (at least here in the US), many people are pushing that bread basket away. It turns out that many forms of bread, when consumed quickly, convert to glucose, which stimulates the pancreas to secrete insulin, which causes our body to store the glucose in the form of fat … which we all prefer to avoid.

There is evidence, however, that a modest amount of fat (in the form of butter or preferably a non-saturated fat such as olive oil) reduces this effect by reducing the Glycemic Index (GI) of the bread. There’s your science lesson for the day!

Exercise:

The quote by Maxwell above suggests that we need to attend to our important relationships to smooth the crusty edges of life.

How can you “butter up” some of your key relationships by showing greater interest, listening more fully, and allowing people to fully express their ideas and opinions?

You may wish to download my workbook on Masterful Relationships to help you. Go to www.dempcoaching.com/download-your-free-workbooks and enter the password barrydemp (all lower case).

“A true friend never gets in your way…”

Posted on November 5, 2013 by Barry

“A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.”

– Arnold H. Glasow, author

Image from blog.bcwinstitute.org

Do you know who your true friends are? Today’s quote presents a bit of a test to help you identify the good ones. These are the people who support us in living our best lives and stand for us being all we can be.

At the same time, they are also the people who are there during life’s challenging and difficult times to lend us a shoulder to lean on – or carry us completely when things are at their darkest.

Exercise:

Thank the friends around you for being there in both good and difficult times, and while doing so, look within yourself to see how you stack up as a friend to others.

the highest advantage

Posted on August 28, 2013 by Barry

“You can rest assured that if you devote your time and attention to the highest advantage of others, the universe will support you.”

– R. Buckminster Fuller, architect and inventor

About a year ago, I picked up a copy of Dan Sullivan’s book The Laws of Lifetime Growth. Law #3 states that we should always make our contribution bigger than our reward.

Both Fuller and Sullivan suggest that a focus on creating new kinds of value for others expands our relationship with the outside world and somehow magically attracts new rewards and opportunities to us in return.

Exercise:

Imagine that giving to others and supporting their highest advantage is like making consistent daily bank deposits, and that these investments always have a high rate of return through the magic of compound interest.