The Wise Man Questions

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“The wise man questions himself; the fool, others.”

– Henri Arnold, cartoonist

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One of the greatest tools in a coach’s toolbox is the question. Answers to open-ended questions—those that begin with who, what, where, when, why and how—provide a level of depth and significance from well below the surface, often into new territories of awareness and insight.

I disagree with Henri Arnold’s statement that fools ask such questions of others: after all, I’d be calling all coaches fools! I do however believe that when coaches also ask these same questions of themselves, they often enhance their own development considerably. Arnold might say that a coach without their own internal or external coach is a fool.

Exercise:

Pay attention to the types of questions you and your colleagues, friends, and family members ask one another during the day. Which ones enhance your life journey, and propel you toward wisdom?

“Our job is the excuse through which we get to love people.”

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“Our job is the excuse through which we get to love people.”

– Panache Desai, author of You are Enough

What percent of your life do you spend engaged in work? For the sake of today’s quote, I’m going to define work as our vocation, or the way we earn a living.

For the person working Monday through Friday, a minimum of 8 hours a day (who does that these days?) work represents approximately one fourth of our life. If the song lyrics from the Beatles tune are true, and all you need is love, or the old song love makes the world go round, then perhaps Desai is really on to something.

Exercise:

How can you view your daily work efforts as an act of love, contribution and generosity, instead of something to get through on the way to your weekend?

Don’t stumble over something behind you

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“Don’t stumble over something behind you.”

– Seneca, Roman Stoic philosopher

Where do you live? I don’t mean your country,  city, or state. Ultimately, we all live in our thoughts, regardless of our physical location.

With this in mind, how often do your thoughts go to past events and experiences that were negative and upsetting? As humans, we have the ability to instantly travel back in time, to revisit and yes, stumble over these same events along with all their limiting feelings.

Exercise:

Imagine that you are born with a  factory-installed time machine with three settings: past, present and future. How can you, through greater self-awareness and intentionality, limit your negative journeys backwards to maximize your experiencing of the present?  Perhaps you could venture forward from time to time into the delightful possibilities of the future!

“People are anxious to improve their circumstances, but they are unwilling to improve themselves. They therefore remain bound.”

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“People are anxious to improve their circumstances, but they are unwilling to improve themselves. They therefore remain bound.”

– James Allen, author and philosopher

Do you play the lottery? Are you a wishful thinker? Would you like many of your life’s circumstances to change for the better? Do you believe in luck? As a highly optimistic person, I tend to live on the sunny side of life, where I not only hope for the best but work quite diligently to create my own luck.

Exercise:

Consider picking up the book Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell, to explore many surprising insights into the world of success and how the hard work of improving ourselves is a fundamental key to extraordinary living.

“You’re more likely to act yourself into feeling than feel yourself into action.”

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“You’re more likely to act yourself into feeling than feel yourself into action.”

– Dr. Jerome Bruner, Harvard Psychologist

Do you remember being a child, when your own parents asked you to do something a bit unpleasant? You know, take out the trash, clean your room, do your homework… If you’re like many people, you probably said, “I don’t feel like it.”

Today, we experience numerous areas of our lives where the same words prevent us from eating healthy foods, getting proper exercise, and yes, doing those pesky chores.

As a coach for over 20 years, I’ve observed that people of action – deliberate, habitual, and massive action – seem to consistently feel better and have more energy than those who do their best to conserve their efforts.

Exercise:

For the next week, create multiple post-it notes with the famous Nike phrase “Just do it” and see if you catch the positive, energizing momentum available in an action-packed life.

Who looks outside dreams. who looks inside awakens.

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“Who looks outside dreams; who looks inside awakens.”

– Carl G.Jung, psychotherapist and psychiatrist

Image of man in contemplation

Image from Unsplash by Ben White

As a former science teacher and professed watcher of the Discovery Channel (and TV shows from my youth such as Mr. Wizard), I have always been fascinated by exploring new worlds beyond my reach.

During my childhood, I even dreamed of one day being an astronaut and visiting the moon and the planets. As I aged and pursued adventure, personal growth and my career in coaching, I found a new excitement in taking more frequent journeys within my mind and my heart – all without the assistance of a rocket.

Exercise:

Consider engaging in your own inner journey daily, through a practice of your choice such as meditation, prayer, journal writing, and the reading of insightful or thought-provoking books or blogs.

Feel free to reply to this message and let me know what practices you use to awaken and clarify your vision.

If we only listened with the same passion that we feel about being heard

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“If we only listened with the same passion that we feel about being heard.”

– Harriet Lerner, author and psychologist

My experience in the business of coaching and 30+ years of marriage has proved this key to success. Lerner refers to being “others-focused” rather than “self-focused.” Being sincerely interested in others and generously listening so that they can fully express themselves are fundamental to building quality relationships, and lead to a successful life.

Exercise:

When you are listening to others with great passion and focus, imagine that money is coming right out of their mouths, and that your job is to capture the full value of what they have to say and contribute.

You can take this quote to the bank. 🙂 !

“The ability to perceive or think differently is more important than the knowledge gained.”

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“The ability to perceive or think differently is more important than the knowledge gained.”

– David Bohm, theoretical physicist


On / off, right / wrong, black / white are examples of polar opposites or, some might say, the duality of a situation. Knowledge, although highly prized and valuable in our world, often points us in the direction of the “right answer” and can often lead us to a somewhat limited view on a particular subject.

Bohm suggests that being open to various perspectives and having the ability to think differently is more important than knowledge in our world today. We need the wisdom to evaluate things with a full spectrum of colors and multiple shades of grey.

Exercise:

Where in your personal and professional life are you limited by knowledge gained and your need to be right? How can you exercise your “try it on” muscle to explore opportunities and possibilities beyond your knowledge of things?

“People are anxious to improve their circumstances, but they are unwilling to improve themselves. They therefore remain bound.”

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“People are anxious to improve their circumstances, but they are unwilling to improve themselves. They therefore remain bound.”

– James Allen, author and philosopher

Do you play the lottery? Are you a wishful thinker? Would you like many of your life’s circumstances to change for the better? Do you believe in luck? As a highly optimistic person, I tend to live on the sunny side of life, where I not only hope for the best but work quite diligently to create my own luck.

Exercise:

Consider picking up the book Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell, to explore many surprising insights into the world of success and how the hard work of improving ourselves is a fundamental key to extraordinary living.

Interview on Coaching with the Michigan Business Network

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I had the pleasure of being interviewed on the Michigan Business Network’s radio show “Association Impact” last week. During the discussion, I answered questions such as:

  • What kind of process do you use when working with executives?
  • What makes a coaching process more effective than training alone?
  • What does a typical coaching relationship look like in terms of time commitment and costs?

You can listen to the interview here:

[audio:http://www.dempcoaching.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/MMOTIONSS5.mp3|titles=Barry Demp on Association Impact – Part One] [audio:http://www.dempcoaching.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/MMOTIONSS6.mp3|titles=Barry Demp on Association Impact – Part Two]